Create Powerful Collaborative Solutions with Your Partner

Creating Solutions with Your Partner: A Collaborative Approach

KEY POINTS

• While compromises can help us move beyond a problem, they also involve sacrifices.
• Accommodating and sacrificing may contribute to anxiety and depression.
• Rather than come to a compromise, it may be helpful to jointly create a solution.

Couples are often encouraged to compromise when resolving their differences. This typically involves concessions from one or both parties. While compromises can help overcome a problem, they often lead to partners feeling as if they have sacrificed something truly valuable, which can create resentment over time.

Consider a hypothetical couple, Janna and David, who are trying to decide what to do for their date night while their kids are with a babysitter. Janna wants to go to the city to meet up with friends who are celebrating a birthday. She loves nightlife, and for her, the best way to spend an evening child-free would be to go out and socialize. David, on the other hand, prefers a quiet evening at home. He suggests opening a bottle of wine, putting on a movie, and cooking a meal together. He doesn’t want to travel into the city or stay out late. They debated back and forth, each trying to prove why their idea was superior. After a tense conversation, they reached a compromise: they would cook dinner at home and then join their friends for drinks, staying out for only a few rounds before heading home.

Although they reached a plan, the outcome was less than ideal. Janna was upset about missing most of the party and worried they might appear rude for arriving late and leaving early. David felt rushed during dinner and was still reluctant about traveling and staying out late. Both felt dissatisfied with the concessions they made, leading to an unenjoyable date night.

Research supports the difficulty with such situations. A study from National Taiwan University demonstrated that compromises involving accommodation and sacrifice may lead to anxiety and depression (Lin et al., 2016).

Solutions for Creating Jointly Satisfying Outcomes

Discuss Rather Than Debate

Instead of convincing each other why their plan for date night was better and settling the dispute by meeting in the middle, Janna and David could have benefitted from pausing and remembering that they were discussing plans, not debating each other. Reframing the engagement as a discussion rather than an argument allows for softer, kinder communication.

Approach discussions from a place of love and compassion. Stay curious, ask questions, and listen to your partner’s answers instead of waiting to prove your position.

Create Rather Than Concede

Instead of each person conceding and losing part of their desired experience, aim to create a joint solution. For example, Janna and David might decide to spend the evening out with friends since it’s a special birthday celebration and they have a babysitter. Understanding David’s reluctance to stay out late, Janna might plan a special breakfast the next morning, allowing him to sleep in. They could also plan another evening to cook and enjoy a meal together during the week. This way, both Janna and David honor each other’s wishes and benefit from multiple nights of connection.

When creating solutions, approach decisions with loving kindness. By doing so, you and your partner work together rather than against each other.

Additional Strategies for Effective Joint Solutions

1. Set Clear Intentions: Before discussing plans, establish a mutual understanding that the goal is to find a solution that satisfies both parties. This shared intention sets a positive tone for the conversation.
2. Identify Core Needs: Instead of focusing on specific activities, discuss the underlying needs and desires each activity fulfills. This deeper understanding can reveal alternative solutions that meet both partners’ core needs.
3. Be Flexible: Flexibility is key in finding mutually satisfying solutions. Be open to trying new activities or adjusting plans to ensure both partners feel valued and heard.
4. Regular Check-Ins: Establish a routine for regular check-ins about how both partners are feeling in the relationship. This proactive approach can address potential issues before they escalate.
5. Express Appreciation: Regularly express gratitude for your partner’s efforts in finding solutions. Acknowledging their willingness to collaborate reinforces positive behavior and strengthens the relationship.
6. Practice Active Listening: During discussions, practice active listening by fully focusing on your partner’s words, reflecting on what you hear, and responding thoughtfully. This fosters a deeper understanding and connection.
7. Create Rituals: Establish rituals or traditions that both partners enjoy and look forward to. These shared activities can strengthen the bond and provide consistent opportunities for connection.
8. Seek Professional Help if Needed: If you find it challenging to create joint solutions, consider seeking help from a relationship counselor. A professional can provide guidance and tools to improve communication and collaboration.

Conclusion

Also read: Unlocking the Mystery: How Neuroscience Reveals Aloof Behaviors in Dating

While compromises often involve sacrifices that can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction, creating solutions collaboratively can strengthen relationships. By discussing plans with compassion, identifying core needs, and expressing appreciation, couples can find mutually satisfying outcomes that honor both partners’ desires. Implementing these strategies can enhance emotional intimacy, reduce anxiety and depression, and build a more fulfilling partnership.

A successful relationship requires ongoing effort, open communication, and a mutual commitment to valuing and cherishing each other. By shifting from a mindset of compromise to one of collaboration, couples can navigate conflicts more effectively and build a stronger, more resilient connection.

Other Sources: Gottman

References

Lin, W. F., Lin, Y. C., Huang, C. L., & Chen, L. H. (2016). We can make it better: “We” moderates the relationship between a compromising style in interpersonal conflict and well-being. Journal of Happiness Studies, 17(1), 41-57.